Email Wars, Darth Vader's bad day
by takearealitycheck
Summary: Darth Vader's computer isn't working very well...and his employees aren't cooperating with him either...


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A sharp 'beep' from a comm unit broke Darth Vader's attention. With a snarl (which sounded quite interesting through his mask) he spun around. As he hit the appropriate keys, characters scrolled down the screen. He breathed sharply as he waited for the message to decrypt.

_It could only be one thing, the key to start the whole operation.._. _Maybe not_. Vader thought, a half-hour later. He glared at his computer screen as the "recieving mail" icon was still working.

"Why does this thing have to be so slow! I knew I should've gotten T3. All the star destroyers are equipped with it nowadays and the Death Star still has dial-up! And I have to use Tatooine services...which really stinks." Grumbling to himself, the Sith lord waited, and waited, and waited...

...an hour later...

"I told Thrawn not to send me anything bigger than a Megabyte! It takes forever! And he sends me a AVI Movie file which is 8 MBs! What a dumb guy...I'll have to teach him a lesson and have my Master send him a virus or else overload his server. WHY DO I KEEP GETTING ALL THIS SPAM!" Vader angrily clicked the anti-spam folder. "No, I don't want to join your club! And I don't want free software! (Well, I do, but that's besides the point...) And what do you mean someone is using my ebay ID?" He choked several officers through some other screens as he deleted the spam. "I've gotta be more careful, I'm going to end up killing someone important." Glumly he glanced at all the unread messages.

"Well, I might as well read this junk," Vader scanned the one from Palps...

From: theEvilDudesithcouncil.gov To: New Desktops!

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Vader,

Great desktops! I especially like the one with me choking all those guys. You're getting pretty good with picture programs, but DID YOU WIPE OUT THOSE HUNDRED OR SO JEDI I ORDERED YOU TOO? I want it done...immediately. Do what must be done, show no mercy...blah, blah, etc..that sort of thing. To make things short: just kill everyone. That's basically the idea.

Palpatine

PS I bought some new DVD's at Best Buy today.

PPS You should go up there; they're having some great sales.

----- Original Message -----

From: Darth Vader

To: Sidious

Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 2005 11:53 AM

Subject: New Desktops!

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Reading over that cheerful email from his master, Vader then found one from a stormtrooper commander, named Caigon.

From: To: Hey man, there's like no weapons here

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Like, hey, Lord Vader,

Well, we troopers here like, have a like, problem, man. We like, don't have any weapons like, at the garrison. Like you know what I mean? Duuuuuuuude, it is so like, dangerous without weapons! So man, could you like, send us a few? It'd be like, real sweet.

-Cmdr. Caigon

"When you like, see an enemy coming like, toward you, man, like you get out your gun and so like, shoot them." - a wise man

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Vader cocked an eyebrow behind his helmet. _Okkkaaay...this should be like, interesting, man._

To: From: RE: Hey man, there's like no weapons here

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Like, Commander,

Just what like, happened to those like, weapons, dude, that I like had shipped over last week? Man, you gotta like find those, or you're going to be wearing cement shoes. Don't make me like, angry, dude.

- The Dark Lord of the like, Sith

----- Original Message -----

From: Cmdr. Caigon

To: Darth Vader

Sent: Thursday, April 08, 2005 10:01 AM

Subject: Re: Hey man, there's like no weapons here

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_Now for this impudent, thoughtless admiral whom I ought to dispose of..._ He began to read Thrawn's message.

From: feelingGrandysalamiri.gov To: RE: RE: FW: Teaser Trailer

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Dark Greetings, my lord.

Today we filmed the first couple scenes of our movie, "_Around the Planet in 80 Star Destroyers_." I'm the main character, of course. (Not to brag, so please don't choke me :-)) The costumes are pretty good. Oh, I hope you don't mind, we used a few of your star destroyers and your personal flagship, the _Executor_. I know it cost 789 billion credits, but I'll be careful with it. Good news is, we got a teaser trailer, some scenes of the movie, and some promo pictures. I included the trailer in the attachments. And let me know if that close up pan of your flagship looks good. But um, we had some slight problems. While we were filming on the set, (which is in a command garrison) one stormtrooper mistook his gun for a camcorder and blew half the set away. (But that situation was taken care of)And also, while we were filming, sir, um, we had a prisoner riot in the mines on the west side of the garrison here on Agamar. They apparently moved toward a city, and a lot of, um, Imperials were killed. I sent out 12 legions of stormtroopers, but they're all dead too. They couldn't hit the wide side of a barn. And we, um, never noticed that the prisoners also destroyed a few garrisons because we were too busy filming. So, um, let me know what to do, and how you like my trailer. I apologize for the mess, I'm really sorry. But the trailer turned out awesome, so it was definitely worth it in the long run. I do hope you're in a good mood today.

-your good friend, Grand Admiral Thrawn

PS I, uh...accidentally lost a few Super Star Destroyers while we were filming. We've been losing track of things here lately.

----- Original Message -----

From: Mitth'raw'nuroudo

To: Darth Vader

Sent: Wednesday, April 07, 2005 1:08 PM

Subject: Re: Fw: Teaser Trailer

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"What a fool! He's definitely going to get his apology accepted," the Sith eye's boiled behind his mask. His black gloved fingers speeded over the Kuat Drive keyboard as he typed out a reply on the keys.

From: To: feelingGrandysalamiri.gov 

RE: RE: RE: FW: FW: Teaser Trailer

Admiral,

Good mood? What is that? The trailer was awful, and I despised it. I should have you executed for even making such a pitiful production. What type of camcorder did you use, 1 mega pixel? But Admiral, I have been lenient with you so far; and now hearing about the deaths of thousands of my men makes me very angered. Yes, your apology is accepted, once you're dead. And you were specifically forbidden to take out my flagship without my command. No, and you do not have my permission to have it, you jerk. Your camera equipment will be confiscated and destroyed, along with your script and your props. AND THAT GOES FOR EVERYTHING ELSE!

the greatly angered Dark Lord of the Sith

PS You LOST a couple of SUPER STAR DESTROYERS? Pray do tell me, how can you lose something that's TEN MILES LONG?

PPS this is the last email you'll ever receive from me. I hope you know what that means.

PPPS your execution might make some great publicity shots for your movie

----- Original Message -----

From: Mitth'raw'nuroudo

To: Darth Vader

Sent: Wednesday, April 07, 2005 1:08 PM

Subject: Re: Re: Fw: Teaser Trailer

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Fuming, Vader sent the email. An EZ anti-virus box suddenly popped up. "One virus has been detected. It is strongly recommended you scan your system."

"Oh, Sith," Vader cursed to himself.

C:\Documents and Settings\DarkLordoftheSith\Local Settings\Temporary Death Star Files\Content.EE6\YAVINY93835JH\track131.htm

Virus Name: HTML.REBELALLIANCE Rebel!exploit

HTML.REBELALLIANCE Rebel!exploit is a generic detection of web pages or e-mail messages which attempt to exploit the "REBELALLIANCE URL Processing" vulnerability in Empire Explorer.

This does not necessarily mean that a virus has been found. It merely means that HTML code was found which attempts to activate additional executable code without the user's Empire permission. This exploit can be used in a malicious web page or inside e-mail messages to execute code of the attacker's choice on the user's machine. Users of Empire Explorer and applications such as Empire or Outlook Empire that employs Empire Explorer to render HTML content are vulnerable to this exploit. Kuat Drive Yards has released a patch to address this issue. Please visit KDY for further information and to apply the relevant patches.

"Stupid rebels...I knew I shouldn't have been downloading all these MP3s...they'd find a way to sneak it in there somehow. But those MIDI files sounded SO bad on a CD. They were all tinny...and- "

Another box popped up. "Outlook Express has caused an error. Outlook Empire will close now. The host 'sith3' could not be found. Please verify that you have entered the server name correctly. Account: 'sith3' Server: 'sith3', Protocol: SITH4, Port: 884, Secure(EEO): No, Socket Error: 9223, Error Number: 5x689JJJ7M. Check for new messages on Sith4. Failed. Local Space Connection not found."

"Now my EMAIL just joined the DARK SIDE!" THAT MESSAGE WON'T GET TO HIM NOW! ARRGHGHGHGHGH!" Vader brought both hands down on top of the _Coruscant 1 _computer monitor and smashed it flat.

"Sith, sith sith!...sithspawn! I keep forgetting I'm so strong! Have to add "new computer" to my Best Buy list. At least they're having sales up there, Sith, I should have told Palpy to get me one. Oh well. I could look on e-bay, it might be cheaper. After all, that is where I found that plastic double-bladed red lightsaber for 10 credits. NOW WHO'S CALLING ON MY CELL PHONE?"

END


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